What Happened to “Happily Ever After”?

I have a friend who is a passionate advocate for animal adoption.  She calls a good adoption as “finding the animal’s Furrever Home!

Falling in love feels like finding a “forever home.”  You found the missing piece of yourself…you feel whole for the first time in your life…you are sure all your problems are over…together you can conquer anything…and you dream of living happily ever after!

Dr. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., in his book, “Getting the Love You Want” labels this the “unconscious loving” stage of a relationship.  It’s more commonly called the “honeymoon phase.”

Then, inevitably, she leaves her dirty clothes on the floor, he overdraws the bank account, and the honeymoon is over.  Hendrix calls this the “conflict stage.”  He concludes that the relationship thrives or fails based on how the couple manages conflict.  Multiple researchers agree.

But, “Conflict wasn’t part of our dream!  What’s wrong? Did I marry the wrong person?  Did she trick me by hiding annoying parts of herself?  Did he play the charmer when he really has such horrible habits?”

In truth, the real purpose of the relationship has just begun.  Yes, it’s possible to live happily ever after, but not without growing into the dream.  Your love for your partner, and your commitment to the marriage, is what motivates you to change habits that prevent a happy, loving marriage.

This year my blogs will be exploring different areas where commitment to GROWING will enable you to experience the delight of your DREAM COMING TRUE.  Hendrix calls this process “conscious loving.”  Conscious loving is accepting that what “ticks you off” about him, is your call to growth.  Her annoying habit is your trumpet call announcing it’s time to grow.

Dreaming isn’t the problem!  Dreaming helps us imagine the ideal of where we want to go.  But in order to actually arrive at our imagined destination, we are called to GROW into a more authentic self, slowly discarding habits or attitudes that prevent the DREAM from coming true.

As you nurture the relationship, the relationship uncovers a more mature, more kind, more loving you.

Make this year a year of Dreaming and Growing!  Contact Nancy at www.NancyLandrum.com or click here to schedule a phone call at your convenience: http://meetme.com/SpeakWithNancy

P.S. Free Download:  The Positive Purpose of Conflict

#1 in Series: It’s Not Your Fault!

Unhappy with your marriage?  Have the same fight over and over again?  Has romance become more of a dry business arrangement?  It’s not your fault!

For centuries whether or not a marriage was “good” for both partners (meaning loving) was largely a matter of luck.  If a marriage became “bad,” or either partner was unhappy, the only solutions were to stick it out or leave…and until no-fault divorce laws were passed, leaving was often impossible.  AND the long-term fall-out from most divorces means that often that solution creates more problems than it solves.

It’s only been the last hundred years or so that our expectations for every marriage have included ongoing romance, sexual fulfillment and emotional connection.

Beginning in the early 1900’s, researchers began to study the difference between marriages that were happy, vs. those that weren’t.  What elements are consistently found in happy marriages that are absent in unhappy ones?  What methods of communicating are found in happy vs. unhappy marriages?  How are problems resolved in each?

GOOD NEWS:  The combined results of multiple research studies have found the same answers.  Great marriages that last have certain consistent patterns of behavior.  Marriages that fail or are unhappy also have consistent patterns of behavior.

And better yet, those who are unhappy with their quality of their marriage can learn to duplicate the behaviors found in great marriages in order to turn an inadequate or struggling marriage into a great one!

From my colleague, Diane Sollee (www.smartmarriages.com) “Marriage is skill-based. Like football.  The way we have it set up now a couple gets married, and we send them out there to win based on love and commitment.  That’s like asking a football team to win on team spirit, but not letting them learn any plays or signals.  The basis for a smart marriage is exciting research that finds that what is different about marriages that make it—that go the distance and stay happy—are behaviors or skills.  And even more exiting, they are simple skills that any fool can learn!”

But how were you to know this?  Research studies are buried in university libraries.  The classes that teach these winning skills, although good, are still not well known.  Most therapists are not trained to teach couples these skills.  There are only a few private coaches, like me, that specialize in training couples in the behaviors that will transform their marriage from mediocre or “bad” to great. 

NO MORE SEARCHING FOR HELP!  Soon you can learn how to duplicate the practices consistently found in great marriages from the privacy of your own home computer!

Watch for my next post… good news is coming!  

Click on this link to accept my gift to you, “What Our Parents Didn’t Know,”  a chapter from my book How to Stay Married & Love It!