The Cost of a Committed Relationship

There are several categories of a committed relationship.  The first one I think of is 1) a marriage.  But there are others, like 2) a business partnership, and 3) the relationship of a parent and child.

There are several categories of costs:  1) Staying in the relationship during the rough times, 2) Being willing to be self-reflective…examine what you are contributing to the health of the relationship, 3) Sacrificing, at times, your own preference for the desire of your partner…and then there is 4) the financial cost if you need help to make the relationship to work well for both parties.

In the mid-nineteen eighties my late husband Jim and I spent what, for us, was a lot of money getting the help we needed to save our marriage.  We paid our coach $50/hour, an average of twice a week.

She taught us a few simple skills that, as we practiced them, enabled us to communicate with mutual respect, handle our respective anger without attacking each other with it, and eventually resolve our BIG ISSUE in a way we could both support long-term.

That was 30 years ago.  An app called Dollar Times says that $50 in 1988 is the same as $106.81 today.  Twice a week for about six months added up to almost $3000 in today’s money.  It wasn’t easy.  Part of that time he was out of a job.  We were scraping by.  I remember a conversation about not paying the water bill one month because things were so “tight.”

But, we really, really wanted to find our way back to the love that brought us together.  We were committed to doing whatever it took to resolve our issue and stay together-happily-until death parted us.

At first we just noticed moments that were better…and then we broke through into this wide, lovely, peaceful place with each other.  We kept our agreements.  We continued to immaculately used the skills we’d learned.  Neither of us would ever do anything to jeopardize the amazing relationship we’d worked so hard to achieve.

We lived in bliss with each other for seventeen more years before Jim died.

If it had cost us a dozen times what we paid it would have been worth it. Everyone of our children have thanked us for “making it.”…for giving them the model of a couple who was willing to do the work and pay the price to save their marriage.

Today I am a Relationship Repair Coach.  I have taught dozens of classes. Written six books and one curriculum for stepfamilies.  Spoken several times at a national conference of relationship educators.  Taught two classes to therapists, helping them learn how to work with step-couples.

Couples come to me in the same desperate, deeply painful condition that Jim and I once experienced.  I give them a Complimentary Consultation where they experience the power of the skills I can teach them.  I know how to help them get from where they are to where they want to be…at peace and in love again!

I see hope blossom in their faces.  And then I present the cost of my coaching package. My $3000 package provides the same level of intense coaching that Jim and I were blessed to receive.  It includes a LOT extra support that our coach didn’t have.

Some couples that I can’t imagine being able to pay, find a way to come up with the fee because they want the results badly enough.

And others who hear that number immediately start to shut down.  They say they’ll talk about it and get back to me.  Sometimes they do.  But many times they disappear.

I wonder about the costs they will pay without skills and support from me, or from someone like me. How much of their life energy is drained away in stressful conflict and unmet needs?  How do you measure the cost of being unhappy with your life-partner, often the other parent of your children?

What does it cost to separate, supporting two living arrangements?  What does a divorce cost?  Where does that money come from?  Divorce usually means a drastic reduction in style of living for all parties.

What do your children pay for losing a model of a loving, committed marriage?  What does it cost them to be divided between two adults they are dependent on and who’s love they need?

What emotional and financial costs are involved in a business partnership being severed?  What is the emotional cost of a ruptured relationship between a parent and child? (In addition to couples, I’ve also helped repair the broken relationship of two business partners, and a few parent-child relationships.)

My coaching is cheap in comparison.  I am through feeling apologetic about my fee.  From now on I am being up-front and clear about the cost of my fee.  I can help a couple, business partnership or parent-child relationship, if they are committed to the process, transform their relationship in about three months.  When the bill is paid, and the work done, they are equipped with the skills to handle any issue that may challenge them in the future.

Gradually, over three months, they get to experience the magic of hope reborn, love reignited and painful conflicts resolved.  They, like Jim and me, get to relax into the safe, trustworthy comfort of a committed relationship that has been tested and come out like gold.

I doubt it would go over very well to say all of these things to a potential client/couple.  So I’m saying here, where perhaps you can hear me in a more neutral environment.  My coaching package is a bargain!  Call me for a first, free consultation!

Wanting only the best for you,

Book a Complimentary Consultation with me by clicking on the link.

 

Holiday Traditions: A Year-End Gift

There are many post-holiday traditions: the after-Christmas sales, returning items that don’t fit or don’t suit, football games, taking down the tree and house decorations, cleaning up the trash, finding a place for the unusual gift, eating the last of the goodies, moaning over weight gained, enjoying the holiday photos, savoring the memories, or recovering from the unpleasant incident with a relative…

Moving from this year to the beginning of another brings up all kinds of feelings in me.  I sincerely hope that by this time next year my knee injury will be fully healed so I can enjoy walks with my dogs again, and ride on my elliptical without pain.

I’ve been stretched to the max by the course I set out on a year ago to create an online communication skills course.  It is completed, I think.  And ready for students.  But I find I’ve only climbed one mountain to discover another bigger mountain ahead of me…marketing.

However, I have learned a lot this year.  It’s OK to ask for help.  It’s just fine that I can’t do everything myself.  There are people out there who LOVE to do what I don’t want to do, or don’t know how to do.  The building of an online business is a process of ups and downs.  I don’t expect to get it all right the first time.

For the past few months I’ve been longing for someone to take my hand and guide me through steps one through ten, cheering me on all the way.  I don’t remember if my longing ever took the form of a prayer, but an answer has come…I think.  I’ll have to wait and see, but I’m hoping I’ve found the experienced guide for whom I’ve been longing to take me through this marketing, course-building maze.

Whenever I’ve felt discouraged—out of my league—challenged by programs like Camtasia, Kajabi, and GotoWebinar, I’ve taken a deep breath, sometimes just left it alone for a few days, and then cajoling myself like I might a young child learning to ride a bike, promised myself I would go slow, call tech support when I got stuck and conquer this giant!

You may have heard me refer to Helga, the negative voice in my head.  She loves to remind me of my age.  “You’re too old to start doing this!”  But I’ve learned to say back to her, “If I wasn’t doing this, what would I be doing?”  Silence.

My dream for 2018 is two-fold:  To create an online relationship skills course, (or courses) that adequately support me, (yes!) but also to help hundreds (or dare I say thousands!) of couples learn skills and concepts that will enable them to create and enjoy the marriage of their dreams!

For the past twenty-five years I’ve taught classes and privately coached couples, many of whom have transformed their relationships from highly conflicted into consistently loving and respectful.  Every time I see that transformation begin to happen, I feel energized! Joyful! Sure that I am exactly where I’m meant to be, doing exactly what I’m meant to do!

This is my New Year’s Gift to You:  A free coaching appointment either in person (Murrieta, CA) or via Zoom.com.  We can spend some time together, get acquainted, and see what I can do to help further your 2018 dreams for your marriage.  Click on the link below to set up an appointment!

Wishing you the Best Year of your life and your marriage!

Schedule Your Free Appointment!

Nancy