Are You or Someone You Know Considering Divorce?

For a few agonizing moments, that option was on the table for my late husband Jim and me.  It felt like a bottomless chasm had opened up in front of us…one that if we didn’t find a way over, would swallow us and our family whole.

The fighting was endless.  The pain unbearable.  The conflict seemed irreconcilable.  Words like hopeless, helpless, desperate described our feelings.  In addition, we were each full of anger and self-righteous confidence, saying by our behaviors, “My solution is the right one!  Why don’t you understand that?!”

After exploring several possibilities, without success, we finally found a coach who taught us a few simple skills that turned our marriage around.  And in a relatively short period of time.

I so believe in the transformative power of the stories of us and other couples who used these skills to safely reach the other side of the chasm.  If you are struggling like we were, or even just dissatisfied with some aspects of your marriage, I want you to know there are simple changes you can make that will enable you to experience the marriage of your dreams.

Recently I offered you a free audio copy of my book, “How to Stay Married & Love It! Solving the Puzzle of a Soul-Mate Marriage.”  Some of you have not yet taken advantage of this gift.

So here’s a sneak preview to give you a taste of what you are missing…the first three chapters are linked here.  You can listen with your computer or download them to your phone.

Can you listen to these chapters without getting hooked and ordering the entire audio copy from Audible.com?  I dare you to try!

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

There’s treasure here…don’t miss it!  Click this link to order your free, complete audio copy of “How to Stay Married & Love It!” Order Book Now

PS: If you want to confidentially discuss your marriage issues with me, schedule a phone appointment by clicking on this link to my calendar:  https://meetme.so/SpeakwithNancy

Audio-Book Give-Away!

Could you relate to the last blog about my lead-footed driving?  Even driving the speed limit, there are always cars passing me up!  Is one of them yours?

Here’s a great fix for speeding tickets, higher insurance rates, excessive wear and tear on your car, and guiltily watching out for lurking CHP cars:

In exchange for trying Audible.com for one FREE month, you can download a FREE copy of my book, “How to Stay Married & Love It! Solving the Puzzle of a SoulMate Marriage.”

Click here to order my audio-book.  “How to Stay Married & Love It!” audio book  When you get to check out, there will be a zero balance!  If Audible.com is not for you, cancel it before the next month begins and keep the book!

Discover how to have a conversation about a touchy issue that results in resolution and deeper loving.  Listen to the true story of a man who discovered his fields were full of diamonds.  Hear the stories of multiple couples who have found rich treasure in their relationship.  Find out why every point of view is right.  Learn how to have a fight-free marriage.  Be inspired to “close the back door” and experience the magic when you do.

Where else can you find a way to be a law-abiding driver and improve your relationships at the same time?

Order Book Now

And if you have questions about what you hear, schedule a complimentary appointment to explore how a peaceful, loving, lasting marriage can be yours, as well:

https://meetme.so/SpeakwithNancy  

Here’s to safe driving and a happy marriage!

A Quick Fix for Relationship Blahs!

Is life beginning to seem like an unending list of obligations?  Is your relationship somewhere on the to-do list?  When the primary relationship of your life begins to feel like an obligation, or a habit, you may get forgetful…forgetting why you love this person…forgetting that you have fun together…forgetting what it’s like to just be with your best friend.

Valentine’s Day comes only once a year.  It may be nice to get roses or chocolates or a romantic card, but your relationship can’t survive on a once per year gesture!

There’s an easy fix.  Begin courting each other again!

But, first, there’s one must-have rule.  When you go out for relaxation and fun, you must not bring up a problem that needs resolving.  If you do, your fun date will immediately be something neither of you want to repeat…defeating the purpose.    Issues that need discussing must be scheduled for a different, separate time.  And then keep that date!

Problem solving dates and Fun dates both need regular but separate commitments from both of you!  (I’ll share how to have a problem-solving date in a future blog.)

So, here’s some great date ideas straight out of my marriage to Jim.  (We enjoyed a loving, fun relationship until his passing a few years ago.  We had regular problem-solving dates as needed to keep our accounts with each other clear so that our fun dates were really FUN!)

Being financially stressed is no excuse to skip fun dates! When you’re under financial or any other kind of ongoing stress, you need the relief of breaks to leave the stress behind and just enjoy each other.   $25 can create a great date.   Look for two-for-one coupons for a meal.  It could be breakfast at a diner, or a spaghetti or burger dinner. Add a matinee movie and you’ve got a great 3-4 hour escape to remember that you’re a team and, together, you will eventually pull out of the financial pits.

Do you enjoy table games?  Take one of your grocery totes and fill it with games that can be played by two persons.  Gin rummy, tile rummy, Yahtzee, a travel sized game of Scrabble, etc.  Throw in an old tablecloth to cover the picnic table at your local park.  On rainy days, game tables can be found in a mall food court or your local library.

One of our favorites was a Mystery Date.  We each kept a file on the other where we collected newspaper clippings or ads about places we thought the other would enjoy.  One time, Jim let me know that our next date was a surprise.  He told me to wear casual clothes, but to take a dressy outfit to change into.  We drove to an ocean side restaurant where we enjoyed breakfast on their deck.  Then he took me to a quilting store with instructions to take my time.  (He relaxed in the car with a newspaper and crossword puzzle book.)  We wandered around a huge outdoor food court in West Hollywood choosing diverse, unusual food items for lunch, ducked into rest rooms at a coffee shop to change into dressier clothes and ended the day at a live performance in Hollywood.

Regular dates were once per week.  These Mystery Dates happened perhaps every four-six months.  They were very special occasions!  The things chosen to do were not nearly as important as the effort and planning that went into delivering the day as a love-gift.

Now that Jim has passed on, these memories are a few of my favorites!

Can you imagine how loved your partner will feel after having an entire day planned around his or her interests?  Are you ready to start collecting ideas for a Mystery Date?

Regular dates restore the love balance to a relationship that may be dragging from too much responsibility.  Regular dates cure or prevent the blahs.  Mystery Dates infuse a giant dose of loving directly into your partner’s heart.  So, get your calendars out and plan a date!

Nancy Landrum has been teaching relationship skills to couples for more than 25 years.  Her signature book, How to Stay Married & Love It! Solving the Puzzle of a SoulMate Marriage is full of practical strategies to create and sustain a loving, lasting relationship.  Click Here to Order

If you’d like a phone call from Nancy, click here to schedule it on her calendar:  https://meetme.so/SpeakWithNancy

#2 in Series: Let’s Face It!

Our culture is full of marriages that are less than inspiring!  Precious few of us were reared by parents who were obviously in love and stayed in love over time.  When I ask new clients if they know anyone in their circle of friends that has a marriage they admire, so far, all have said, “No.”

And yet K. Daniel O’Leary of Stony Brook University recently published the results of interviews of couples married for ten years and discovered that 40% of them were “very intensely in love,” the highest rating offered.  And 15% of those interviewed chose the next highest rating.  The biggest surprise came when the couples who had been married 30 years or more chose the highest rating of love!

It’s clear that some couples know how to create a happy, loving marriage…or learn how to over time.  What do these couples practice that is missing from many of our parents’ or friends’ marriages?

A few of the qualities isolated by this study are: thinking consistently positive thoughts about your partner, enjoying activities together, spending lots of time together, expressing affection daily, making love regularly.  John Gottman’s studies added other aspects:  being able to resolve conflict while maintaining respect and affection for each other and being willing to be influenced by your partner.

Based on these research results, having a marriage that is, and stays intensely in love IS POSSIBLE!

But how?  The high rates of divorce indicate that a lot of folks think the only way to have an intensely loving marriage is to find a new partner.  One of my friends did just that.  Then five years later admitted that he and his “better” wife were dealing with the same issues he thought he’d left behind when he divorced his first wife!  Meanwhile the daughter from the first marriage had to grow up with the nasty job of learning to navigate between two bitterly enmeshed parents…hardly a skill that would prepare her for a happy, loving marriage of her own!

Many parents, like my friend, believe that the children would be better off without the conflict being experienced between their parents and use that as a valid reason for divorcing.  Children living in an environment of physical violence and/or sexual abuse do need the relief provided by separating the abusive parent/s.  But occasional arguments, drifting apart, the love has gone, possibly the silent treatment still give children the basic level of stability that every child deserves.  The most long-term damage to children occurs when divorce doesn’t seem to make sense to them.

Those relatively low-conflict, not intensely in love marriages are the ones that are the best candidates for learning skills that will up-level their relationship from unhappy, or tolerable to intensely loving!

Does your marriage fall into that category?  Just unhappy? Far from what you hoped for when you married?

We are “in love” or “out of love” based on how we treat each other.  So join the growing ranks of couples who fell in love all over again by practicing new communication and conflict management skills.

The link to a FREE DOWNLOAD is a Marriage Wheel…a simple way for you and your spouse to each evaluate the areas of your marriage that work well and those that need some added attention.  Print two copies. After you each record what is true for you, share the information with each other…not as a way to criticize, but as a simple way to say “Here’s is where we are.”  And, “I’d like us to find ways to improve in these areas.”

The Wheel of Marriage

You won’t want to miss information about a simple and cost-effective program that will teach you transformative skills that will help you both reach a  10 in all areas of your marriage!

 

Only One Soul Mate?

There seems to be a popular myth/belief being propagated by movies and other media that there is only one soul mate on the earth per person.  If I were to believe this, I would feel very tentative about developing a relationship with anyone, let alone someone with flaws.

If I “fell in love” and committed to a relationship that later ran into conflicts, rather than knowing this is normal and we’ll work it out, I’d tend to believe that I jumped the gun and married the wrong person.  I’d leave that relationship and go back to hunting for Mr/Mrs Right.

Sometimes it’s true that in our inexperience, or from our own level of dysfunction, we choose a person who is poor commitment material.  Over time addictions or patterns of abuse show up that make a healthy relationship unattainable.  But most problems/conflicts are only a call to personal and couple growth.

In choosing a life-time partner it’s certainly important to find someone who shares one’s values, who exhibits a significant level of responsibility and who demonstrates the capacity to be caring and, at times, selfless in their relationships.  Hopefully you’d attend a marriage prep class or a relationship skills class to be sure you had the communication, conflict management and problem solving skills needed in any lifetime relationship.

With those items checked off the essentials list and assuming there’s a level of chemistry that makes commitment desirable, you can know that your chances of a satisfying marriage and life together are very good.

Are you allowing a cultural fad to create fear around finding a suitable mate?  Are you looking for a way out of a relationship because you have unrealistic expectations that a soul mate relationship wouldn’t have challenges?

How to Stay Married & Love It! Describes how to create the SoulMate marriage of your dreams even if your marriage is currently unhappy! (LINK)  This book is a must read for ideas about how to choose a partner that will go the distance with you: Smart Marriage, Using your Head as Well as Your Heart to Find Wedded Bliss. By Allen Parkman, Ph.D., J.D. eBook on Amazon. (LINK)