#3 in Series: We Just Can’t Communicate!

There is nothing lonelier than feeling emotionally disconnected from your chosen partner in life.  We are hard wired to need emotional connection.

Dr. Brene’ Brown says, “Connection is the energy created when people feel seen, heard and valued.“

So what is it that makes partners who were once in love, feel unseen, unheard and undervalued?

The first few years of my marriage to my late husband, Jim, started out in the typical newlywed euphoria, but soon turned into a black hole of despair as we battled over issues we couldn’t seem to resolve.  After much searching, we finally found a coach who taught us a few basic communication methods (say it this way, not that way) and healthier anger management skills.  We finally found solutions to our issues that delivered to us the peace and renewed loving for which we longed.

We didn’t want other couples to suffer the years of agony we had before finding effective help, so we began teaching classes called, “How to Stay Married & Love It!”  We wanted to stay married, but we wanted to love being married to each other more than we thought our parents had.

I returned to school for my Masters Degree in Spiritual Psychology, and then wrote the book, “How to Stay Married & Love It! Solving the Puzzle of a SoulMate Marriage.”  In that book, I listed all the ways Jim and I had communicated (plus others I’d observed in other couples) that created hurt and distance, rather than connection.  That list includes sarcasm, name calling, accusatory “you” statements, interrupting, talking over each other, bringing up a laundry list of complaints, and many more.

Recovering the first love we’d experienced meant exchanging distancing methods of communication with connecting methods of communication.  We learned to deliver our thoughts, feelings, concerns and desires with words and attitude that helped us hear each other’s point of view and conveyed the value in which one held the other.

As a result, the love that had nearly died under the scorching onslaught of our anger returned with even greater depth and power than before.

This transformative process is available to anyone who wants it!  I have been teaching these powerful skills in classes and in private coaching sessions for more than 25 years…all the time wishing I had a way to teach thousands of couples rather than just one or a few at a time.

The Millionaire Marriage Club will start in a few short days!  In the Club COURSE, you’ll find brief, easy video lessons that teach you these powerful skills.  The Club GAME will help you painlessly put those new skills into practice.  The Club offers SUPPORT that most people need while making the transformation real in your marriage.

In my next post you’ll learn more about the Millionaire Marriage Club.  You’ll be offered an invitation to a free introductory webinar where you’ll learn a skill that can significantly reduce the number of misunderstandings between you.

Are you feeling a stirring of hope?  Yay! The answers you’ve been seeking are on the way!  

Click this link to receive a free copy of “Communication Methods that Create Distance” and learn how to communicate in a way that creates connection.

#2 in Series: Let’s Face It!

Our culture is full of marriages that are less than inspiring!  Precious few of us were reared by parents who were obviously in love and stayed in love over time.  When I ask new clients if they know anyone in their circle of friends that has a marriage they admire, so far, all have said, “No.”

And yet K. Daniel O’Leary of Stony Brook University recently published the results of interviews of couples married for ten years and discovered that 40% of them were “very intensely in love,” the highest rating offered.  And 15% of those interviewed chose the next highest rating.  The biggest surprise came when the couples who had been married 30 years or more chose the highest rating of love!

It’s clear that some couples know how to create a happy, loving marriage…or learn how to over time.  What do these couples practice that is missing from many of our parents’ or friends’ marriages?

A few of the qualities isolated by this study are: thinking consistently positive thoughts about your partner, enjoying activities together, spending lots of time together, expressing affection daily, making love regularly.  John Gottman’s studies added other aspects:  being able to resolve conflict while maintaining respect and affection for each other and being willing to be influenced by your partner.

Based on these research results, having a marriage that is, and stays intensely in love IS POSSIBLE!

But how?  The high rates of divorce indicate that a lot of folks think the only way to have an intensely loving marriage is to find a new partner.  One of my friends did just that.  Then five years later admitted that he and his “better” wife were dealing with the same issues he thought he’d left behind when he divorced his first wife!  Meanwhile the daughter from the first marriage had to grow up with the nasty job of learning to navigate between two bitterly enmeshed parents…hardly a skill that would prepare her for a happy, loving marriage of her own!

Many parents, like my friend, believe that the children would be better off without the conflict being experienced between their parents and use that as a valid reason for divorcing.  Children living in an environment of physical violence and/or sexual abuse do need the relief provided by separating the abusive parent/s.  But occasional arguments, drifting apart, the love has gone, possibly the silent treatment still give children the basic level of stability that every child deserves.  The most long-term damage to children occurs when divorce doesn’t seem to make sense to them.

Those relatively low-conflict, not intensely in love marriages are the ones that are the best candidates for learning skills that will up-level their relationship from unhappy, or tolerable to intensely loving!

Does your marriage fall into that category?  Just unhappy? Far from what you hoped for when you married?

We are “in love” or “out of love” based on how we treat each other.  So join the growing ranks of couples who fell in love all over again by practicing new communication and conflict management skills.

The link to a FREE DOWNLOAD is a Marriage Wheel…a simple way for you and your spouse to each evaluate the areas of your marriage that work well and those that need some added attention.  Print two copies. After you each record what is true for you, share the information with each other…not as a way to criticize, but as a simple way to say “Here’s is where we are.”  And, “I’d like us to find ways to improve in these areas.”

The Wheel of Marriage

You won’t want to miss information about a simple and cost-effective program that will teach you transformative skills that will help you both reach a  10 in all areas of your marriage!